So, I guess this is my coming out? Oh god, it's scary to write that but hi I’m Sarah and I’m bisexual and this is my experience.
Looking back on my childhood and teen years it makes sense, it’s so goddamn obvious I was bi. It's comically hilarious how obvious it was I had so many folders on my computer saved of celebrity women I liked and maybe one or two male celebrities (Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner mainly) I would find myself saying “oh I would totally kiss or turn for Katy Perry” but actually mean it - let’s be real Katy Perry makes me question my sexuality often. I have vivid memories of watching films and often being obsessed with the female actresses but more specifically in a I want to replace the male lead so I could kiss them. I remember watching Anne Hathaway in Havoc (if you have seen it, you know) and being in awe and feeling tingly but then at the same time I would watch Zac Efron in High School Musical and have the same feelings.
At the time I don't think I felt confused and I have my parents to thank for always making me feel seen and was accepting of everything and urged me to have my own opinions. It really wasn't until now in my early 20's and reflecting on my sexuality, reading and talking to other people who had similar experiences who identified as bi and talking to straight friends who do not want to kiss girls that I went oh, not all women are sexually attracted to other women.
I grew up in a time when the song 'I kissed a girl' was the top hit and as problematic as the song has become as it is wrapped up in all the stereotypes about bisexuality being about the male gaze, no actual attraction toward women, and most dangerously, the idea that “good girls” don’t do it. Despite all this it did become a song that made me feel seen in my little world and probably why Katy Perry became such a big deal in my life. I kissed a girl became an anthem that helped me express how I wanted to kiss a girl because I would probably like it.
I remember going out clubbing and on this one specific night I got very drunk and kissed a guy and then later on in the night kissed a girl and found myself having sexual feelings for both equally. At that moment I was kind of like “I’m sexually attracted to you regardless of your sex."
It was after that encounter kissing my first girl I almost dated a woman and I spoke to my close friend who newly identified as queer and was in a relationship with a woman and she was so supportive about it and very excited about my new experience... but the date fell through and I was ghosted. But, her being so supportive made me feel seen and helped me begin piecing together my sexual identity.
As the years went by I continued to try and get back into the dating game because I assumed well I guess I'm straight but I couldn't stop having feelings for women these same feelings I was having for men I would match with on Hinge.. for some reason I felt conditioned to have to identify as straight and pursue a straight relationship, in the back of my mind I thought I HAVE to be one or the other? Right?
It wasn't until Stephanie Beatriz's character in Brooklyn 99 Rosa Diaz came out as bi that I truly felt seen and understood, it was so goddamn liberating to see that represented on screen - when you learn she's bisexual, she doesn't become a different person — she's still Rosa, just now you know she likes men and women. Another example was in the show Dead to Me where Linda Cardellini's character Judy who had a relationship with a man before entering into a romance with a woman was seen as no big deal and a shift that her friend Jen accepted with open arms and not questioning what this meant for Judys sexuality. Again, liberating. This then started to open up conversations with close friends who had similar experiences and made me feel safe in confining in them about my sexuality that one day I said it out loud to myself and it felt good, it felt right.
I am now starting to feel more confident in identifying as bi and laughing at how obvious it really was. I'm still learning, growing and researching and I urge you to do that too. To judge less and understand. Everyones experience is different and it is all valid. I am also vouching for more bisexuality visibility in film and TV.. I often wonder if there was a better representation in film and TV it would be easier to talk about ..so let's make that happen.
If anyone out there reading this feels seen or inspired or just wants to talk - I am here and I see you don't be afraid to say hi. :)
Insta: @_sarahleigh
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